Chilly Reception
Kevin peeled off his blazer as he climbed the stairs to his bedroom, loosened his tie, and waved at a fly buzzing his ear. His little girl, Evie, was coming from her bedroom when she saw her daddy and froze.
Kevin spread his arms for a hug but his daughter jumped back. “Evie, baby, what’s wrong?”
“Mom! Mom!” She slammed her door.
Kevin swatted at that irritating fly.
His wife, Paula, appeared at the top of the stairs, out of breath and clasping a hand to her heart.
“What’s wrong with Evie?” Kevin asked. “I only wanted a hug.”
Paula’s mouth gaped, and she backed away.
“Not you, too. What’s going on?” Kevin slapped at the fly.
She shrieked and ran downstairs. After a minute, Paula pounded back up with a Colt pistol pointed at her husband.
Kevin stared in dismay. “Have you lost your mind?”
His wife pulled the trigger, and the impact knocked Kevin on his heels. As he looked at the hole in his shirt, the fly landed to explore the putrid flesh.
“Kevin…” Paula’s eyes filled with tears. “We buried you last week.”
In vain, he flicked at the fly.
.
The Meta-story: I had ideas for this, but simply couldn’t execute. The sentences were all the same length, all followed the same pattern, and I couldn’t pull off the effect at all. My mind stalled. Then I went to read the other stories, and they were SO good this week! That only made me feel worse. Anyway, I’ve given up and will post what I have so I don’t miss out on participating. Here’s the link to my other flash for this same prompt, Grace’s Trouble.
Sunday Photo Fiction: 200-word stories
photo prompt: A Mixed Bag
Muninn's Memories 
May 1, 2017 at 10:24 am
Oh, I loved this story, Kecia. I’m so glad you posted it! That just goes to show that you may not always be happy with what you’ve written, but that doesn’t mean it’s not good. I feel like that’s a lesson I should write down on a post-it note and stick to my monitor so that I can refer to it in the future.
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May 1, 2017 at 10:31 am
Thank you, Mandie. That makes me feel a little less embarrassed about posting.
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May 1, 2017 at 11:24 am
The idea is really good. One suggestion I could give is to try and limit redundancy when it comes to introducing people. “His little girl was coming from her bedroom when she saw her daddy and froze. […] “Evie, baby, what’s wrong?” Punctuation can also help or hinder the impact you’re looking for. If any sentences feel over-complicated, try eliminating a comma or separating with a period. The shorter the sentence, the more weight the statement will carry.
Reading other people’s work can be discouraging, but it can also be helpful. Study the ones you really liked – look at punctuation, execution of flow, characters, execution of dialogue, etc, anything that made you want to read more.
I can also suggest a few books on writing: “How to Write Dazzling Dialogue” and “How to Write Short Stories (And Use Them to Further Your Writing Career)”, both by James Scott Bell, and “A Dash of Style: The Art and Mastery of Punctuation” by Noak Lukeman. You can also look at “On Writing” by Stephen King (the middle section is all writing tips), and “Bird by Bird” by Anne Lamott. 🙂
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May 1, 2017 at 11:50 am
Thank you. 🙂 Good thoughts.
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May 1, 2017 at 3:43 pm
Very good. At least the fly was happy to see him.
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May 1, 2017 at 3:59 pm
Thanks.
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May 6, 2017 at 5:48 am
I don’t see a problem with this story. I liked it. That twist at the end was great. You have written a couple of good stories there.
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May 6, 2017 at 7:10 am
Thanks. This story started out like a collection of sentences all three words long. I went back to vary the sentence length and fiddled with it a bit, but the rhythms never really jibed for me. I appreciate the comments.
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