Hush
Chloe shuffled in the man’s dusty wake. Thin dogs pressed their bellies to dirt in the shade, escaping a siesta sun. Music like tin and glass shards drifted from yawning doors of drowsy cantinas. Eyes down, a step behind, she waited while the man rented a room in an adobe motel with wooden shutters.
Exposed U-plumbing under the bathroom sink perspired in the heat. The showerhead leaked with a rhythmic plink, and cinnamon stains streaked the tile.
Chloe’s pale legs dangled over the end of the bed. Lying back in a cotton-blue swirl of skirt, she stared at the lazy ceiling fan, imagining a draft. Her heavy saddle shoes weighed on her feet. Curls, dyed red, stuck to her forehead.
“Put them right there,” said the man, blocking the view inside the room.
The coffee-skinned kid in khaki shorts set the single suitcase inside, shifted his eyes from the little girl on the bed, and pocketed the Franklin he found in his palm. With a click like a gun’s trigger in Chloe’s ear, the man locked the door.
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revised: 3/10/17; photo credit: Pixabay
March 5, 2017 at 11:13 am
Powerful stuff this, with some great descriptions. I could feel the somnolent heat. I didn’t understand the bit ‘giving the man what he came and paid for south of the border’ but the plight of the little girl on the bed was stark and horrifying. Great job!
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March 5, 2017 at 11:17 am
Thank you, Sandra. Hm, maybe I didn’t make it clear enough. He paid for the title, Hush, the boy’s blind eye. I imagine he slipped a similar amount to the desk clerk. In general, he paid for the Hush of Mexico. There was one other Hush in the story, but I ruin it by saying it aloud. 🙂
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March 5, 2017 at 2:48 pm
Disturbing and chilling in the matter-of-fact presentation. Excellent writing.
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March 5, 2017 at 3:34 pm
Thank you.
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March 5, 2017 at 7:55 pm
Great descriptors. Especially the cinnamon stain.
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March 5, 2017 at 8:54 pm
Thank you.
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March 6, 2017 at 6:12 pm
Very vividly written – I could see it happen. Well done.
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March 6, 2017 at 6:14 pm
Thanks for reading. I appreciate all your comments.
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March 6, 2017 at 6:15 pm
My pleasure Kecia 🙂
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March 10, 2017 at 7:56 pm
Great atmosphere. Great story.
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March 10, 2017 at 8:17 pm
Thank you. ❤
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March 10, 2017 at 10:21 pm
This one stands as an opening scene for a strong short story, if not a novel. Instant tension, great use of atmosphere. What is going to happen next?!?
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March 11, 2017 at 5:49 am
Most of my flash pieces are written within an hour and posted. This one has been revised over a week of work. I think it’s pretty strong at this point. Probably my favorite.
It’s nice to be validated, so thanks!
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May 24, 2017 at 3:06 pm
That’s quite chilling. That final CLICK was almost audible. I’m glad I dropped by. I like good fiction, and fiction blogs are SO difficult — nobody reads anymore.
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May 24, 2017 at 3:56 pm
Thanks. I still get creeped out about these two characters. I don’t have the nerve to do much with them.
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